Thurday09April2009
Today school, fuck it. Terrible day D: Not in a angry way
but in a desolated way actually. I'm telling you i freaking hate thursdays the most.
It's just fucking hell pisses me off -.- It's not just today but an every week thing.
And soon it will drag on to an everyday basis.
Know why? Let's see 2periods of PE, 2periods of geography, recess. 2periods of maths
and 2periods of english and after lunch there mother tongue. Fuck it.
I'm so pissed i think i can scream my lungs out.
You know how annoying this feeling feels espcially on this day?
It makes me wanna take a knife and stab myself in the throat.
Not on single decent moment just to talk for 5minutes with baby you know?
Only once sentence i asked and typical him one word answer.
I'm dissapointed in alot of ways with many but i can't say it.
I feel terrible just espcially today, it seems alot have changed.
Heartbroken, dissapointed and definately devastated.
I've been keeping alot of thing inside for so long, and i don't want to even care anymore.
Damn it man, there's schooling to work on, certain friends who just leaves me behind,
parents with annoying nagging for stupid and idoitic reasons and
recently obvious enough its baby.
For don't know at least the past 2-3 months things totally changed.
And its really hard for me to get use to, i just can't accept this.
Times when i'm alone, i feel that i'm really alone.
I mean i have a high chance that my parents would send me to
overseas for at least 2years after graduation . How am i gonna live with such problems
and bad memories left behind for me. I've never been so upset over friends
and baby actually and seriously speaking. Like i've said plenty of times i can't say
it out loud just for them to hear. It's too horrible to imagine what their minds
would be thinking of me. A horrible or selfish person.
I know this is not a private blog but who could even care for me now a days?
I tell you not one single damn will. This situation just gone bad to worse and
now its really falling apart for me. I know, maybe some may think i'm over sensitive.
But i heck care how bloody think about it alright? This is the total fact of how
i'm feeling now, i've always have the erge to cry but i don't know what stupid sense
that i controlled my eyes not to blink when it waters.
Yes people change, but in all things why now? Not just that, why is everybody doing
it now. What? its a trend now? It's just stupid enough to think that
people around me could see i was hurt. They would'nt have even known until
i told them and even worse a certain being does'nt even know whats up with me now a days.
They promise me so many things.
Yeah you said you'll be always be with me. I tell ya screw you for saying that.
Yes i said it, i'm sorry that i said that but really i just have to.
I don't ever see or hear you when i needed you. When were you ever with me?
You just leave be behind thinking that i'm fine, for the fact that i'm totally not.
You tell me to tell you how i feel when i'm feeling lost, but you ain't there.
Some, when i tell them how i feel, they tell me theirs instead -.-
Whats the fucking point in this? Is it just a might as well shut up and stay quiet?
Look this is only one or two of them, imagine how many promises have you made?
Look back how many you have broken, you told me you would'nt just leave me
without saying goodbye. Too bad but you did, plus i told you not to do it
and you still continue to do it. I've been patient and staying as strong as possible
to say. I'm fine, it's not big deal i can just let it go.
What you think its that easy? Well its not.
Don't promise me unless you think you can do it in the first place.
For example, lunch. I was alone, i even ask wether you can accompany me just to
go the the stinkin canteen to eat. And you said " Har, i lazy" Plus you smiled.
Told you i was alone, you started to change the topic.
Sometimes i wander, where did i do wrong. Doing so many stupid mistakes,
It just brings me with great dissapointment that
all of my judgement was wrong from the start. I think i'm mostly done with what i
want to make points out of. I'm just saying, everything to me seems
depressing to mention. Yeah, now i'm speechless.
In desprate need of a big warm hug.
